A couple of weeks ago I was at my cousin’s wedding and both my ankles were stomped on by dancing drunk girls in heels. While it seems like an obvious risk one takes when twirling on a crowded dance floor, my born-again aunt deduced that it was highly symbolic that something is trying to attack my feet and keep me from walking my path. Considering the last major injury I did was to badly sprain BOTH my sides of my ankle that led to 6 weeks of crutches – that being the second time I have sprained my ankle seriously enough to need weeks on crutches – I can see her point.
But that brings up the inevitable and ominous question of: What is my path? Am I actually on it? If I am on my path, why is it so important to evil spirits to try to take me off of it?
I haven’t been sleeping well this past week because I keep having dreams where I am unprepared (at our wedding and I didn’t tell our officiant -that same born-again aunt – what I wanted our service to include so she just doesn’t marry us), way behind schedule (spending half the night apologizing and madly scrambling trying to catch up to other people on projects and throwing together presentations or running out the door), and overwhelmed by trying to maintain the same speed and schedule as everyone around me.
These dreams are not entirely surprising as I consciously know that I am feeling behind on a two projects. Last September I wanted to find a publisher or literary agents for two children’s books I wrote. It’s that time of year again and nothing has happened. My Christmas Carol Comedy project is way behind the summer schedule I made. And I am planning a wedding…
The thing is, I do feel like I am on my path. I think (and hope) that I am exactly where I am supposed to be creatively. I am inspired to do two projects that I absolutely believe in and think can have a great extended life in the world doing good and honorable work. I have plans in place for how to accomplish them. However, whatever it is that is trying to stomp on my feet or kick out my ankle is also debilitating my bank account and distracting the other people on my teams from having time or focus to get to work on my projects. Both of these roadblocks feel like they have the power to derail me from my path. It makes me angry and guilty.
It is okay with me to have no money in my bank account for the next 4 months because I believe in my projects and sincerely think I do need to work on them NOW. But it makes me feel guilty because while I am willing to sacrifice things for my art, it is hard to ask Adam to do the same – especially when his passion project is to get a house. The thing about getting married is that you have to support each other’s passion projects, but how do you deal with it when yours counteracts his? I know compromise is the answer and Adam – bless him and his loyalty – has never asked me to compromise my projects. He believes in me. But I struggle with the guilt of feeling that I will be letting him down or derailing him from his path. I struggle with anger at the thought that while Adam accepts my path, other people who it doesn’t affect as directly might/do judge it. I guess I have been spoiled all my life by having people who believe in me 100%, so I feel a little betrayed if someone can only muster 80% belief. And it stresses me out that they might be able to lower Adam’s faith in me.
As I do whenever I feel overwhelmed by life and uncertain, I turn to my favourite book, Dr. Seuss’ Oh, the Places You’ll Go! No matter when I am feeling, that gem of a book always comforts me, pats my hand and assures me that I have this (life) under control. Thank God for this book! Last night I was actually on the verge of tears of relief while reading the book – such a strong a reaction that it even took me by surprise… These are the words that were particularly potent to me last night
“And when things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.“
“Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?“
Additionally, I never noticed just HOW many illusions to feet there are in that book… I am relieved to know that things frequently happen to people as brainy and footsy as me. And I guess sometimes the hardest thing is not to follow the path, but to trust that the path – though winding – will get you somewhere you want to be, vs. leaving the path to bush-whack a “shortcut” and maybe not ever arriving anywhere. Why hasn’t Google made an app for life yet?